Monday, September 23, 2013

When the elephant is sitting on your heart

Gee whiz, it looks like I've pretty much abandoned this here blog. Not that I haven't stopped by and thought about writing something from time to time, but it feels like inspiration strikes at the wrong time. I may think of 10 things I could write about when I'm driving in the car and by the time I get to a computer, all those thoughts are gone with the wind. I could write about my everyday life, but frankly, I'm less than impressed with it these days, so I'm sure you would be too. I've also realized that I really shouldn't use this as a diary, but sometimes I just need to know someone else is out there feeling the same way I do. And that feeling recently is that an elephant is sitting on my heart. 

Maybe more accurately described as hopelessness. I can't believe I am a little over a week away from turning 25 and I've done nothing inspiring or amazing since beginning my job at 22. I made my list of 25 things to do before turning 25 last year and I believe I've crossed off maybe 4 things. And it's not that I've been busy doing other exciting things that weren't on the list; I've become a slave to my job. The frustrating thing is I like my job, but I spend a lot of time dreaming of other things I could do. I have other things I want to be doing, but I just feel stuck and feel my life is not moving forward. I thought my list of 25 things would make me feel like I was actually living my life not just existing, but instead without achieving even half of things I just feel like I giant failure and that my life is a waste.

I also have begun my routine exiling and alienating of myself from people I've become close to in the attempt to avoid getting hurt. When this happens, I tend to find myself having no where to turn with problems and issues, and they build until they explode or I implode. Currently, they're manifesting themselves in an exceptionally emotional and irritable self that constantly feels paranoid and has an elephant sitting on my heart. You know that feeling of everything weighing down on you whether it should be your worry or not. But again it all starts because I don't know who to trust with the ugly secrets and problems, who to trust who won't judge or share these dark demons, that in most cases aren't that serious or evil but only seem to manifest themselves to be so the longer they're kept inside. The doubts that eat you alive from the inside out. 

All that being said, I have one person I can vent to and that of course is Levi, but I don't think that's fair. I just don't know where to turn besides him. I have two other dear friends that have escaped my routine alienation but sometimes I can't bring myself to tell them the dark, dark stuff because I want it to seem like everything is great in my life. 

Talk about a depressing post, but maybe this explains to my few followers why I haven't been posting. Has anyone else ever felt this way? 


Abbey said...

You should never feel like you're stuff is too dark for me to handle. Everything isn't always good, and I won't judge you for it. Promise.

Call me whenever you have the urge.


MrsWoodythe2 said...

Oh my dear, sweet sister! You and Levi have been there for me in countless ways over the last couple of years; I'm only a phone call away. Love, prayers, and hugs!!

Aimee Baker said...

I'm always here for you pretty lady! I can't beleive I just read this, I also feel like I'm always running around. When I looked at my list, I was less then impressed. But happy about the things I did do!

"As much as you want to plan your life, it has a way of suprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier than you originally planned. Thats what you call Gods Will!"

"A good friend is a connection to life, a tie to the past, a road to the future, a ket to sanity in a totally insanse world"

Always here hugs and kisses