When the elephant is sitting on your heart

Gee whiz, it looks like I've pretty much abandoned this here blog. Not that I haven't stopped by and thought about writing something from time to time, but it feels like inspiration strikes at the wrong time. I may think of 10 things I could write about when I'm driving in the car and by the time I get to a computer, all those thoughts are gone with the wind. I could write about my everyday life, but frankly, I'm less than impressed with it these days, so I'm sure you would be too. I've also realized that I really shouldn't use this as a diary, but sometimes I just need to know someone else is out there feeling the same way I do. And that feeling recently is that an elephant is sitting on my heart. 

Maybe more accurately described as hopelessness. I can't believe I am a little over a week away from turning 25 and I've done nothing inspiring or amazing since beginning my job at 22. I made my list of 25 things to do before turning 25 last year and I believe I've crossed off maybe 4 things. And it's not that I've been busy doing other exciting things that weren't on the list; I've become a slave to my job. The frustrating thing is I like my job, but I spend a lot of time dreaming of other things I could do. I have other things I want to be doing, but I just feel stuck and feel my life is not moving forward. I thought my list of 25 things would make me feel like I was actually living my life not just existing, but instead without achieving even half of things I just feel like I giant failure and that my life is a waste.

I also have begun my routine exiling and alienating of myself from people I've become close to in the attempt to avoid getting hurt. When this happens, I tend to find myself having no where to turn with problems and issues, and they build until they explode or I implode. Currently, they're manifesting themselves in an exceptionally emotional and irritable self that constantly feels paranoid and has an elephant sitting on my heart. You know that feeling of everything weighing down on you whether it should be your worry or not. But again it all starts because I don't know who to trust with the ugly secrets and problems, who to trust who won't judge or share these dark demons, that in most cases aren't that serious or evil but only seem to manifest themselves to be so the longer they're kept inside. The doubts that eat you alive from the inside out. 

All that being said, I have one person I can vent to and that of course is Levi, but I don't think that's fair. I just don't know where to turn besides him. I have two other dear friends that have escaped my routine alienation but sometimes I can't bring myself to tell them the dark, dark stuff because I want it to seem like everything is great in my life. 

Talk about a depressing post, but maybe this explains to my few followers why I haven't been posting. Has anyone else ever felt this way? 

The Perks of Housesitting

In the past three months I've taken up being a house sitter. The first few times I only did it for one family, but word got around and I was asked by someone else this week to housesit for them. So as I sit here, just thinking about how awesome this is, I thought I'd share.  For once a post and at that a positive one.

1) The extra cash- it never hurts to have a little extra cash on hand, especially for doing something as simple as watering plant, feeding and playing with the pets and watching tv.

2) Watching tv - I have lived here for almost two years and still don't have cable. I did finally get Internet and I do have the pleasure of watching Levi's tv. It is kind of nice to have total control of the remote though.

3) Playing with puppies - I know I have two adorable pups of my own, but it's always fun to play with other dogs. Until they chew on your shoe or sweater...but I guess my dog is no better.

4)House dreams- I enjoy examining floor plans and little details of the houses I stay in to figure out what I would like in a house someday. From this house, I would love a nice deck off the back like they have. And a nice pantry where the light comes on when you open it! So cool!

5) Pretend to be someone different - I get to pretend to be rich basically. And turn on the fancy switch lit fire place while I drink tea and read a book or watch tv. 

On the flip side, I miss spending time with my puppy and with Levi! And sometimes I get bored, but tonight I entertained myself by playing the piano. And even though I'm told to eat whatever I want, I usually eat the bare minimum and leave the pricey ingredients that I crave to their owners. 

Let's talk about the weather

So this weather sucks huh? Its hot then it's cold...kinda reminds you of a Katy Perry song. I hear my friends all across the state and the nation, complaining how they wish they could just wear their spring and summer clothes, or the weather ruins their plans for outdoor fun. Obviously that is a concern here as well but it goes even further than that. In my rural community it's really smacking us around. With the freeze, our wheat may not make it. Wheat is a very hardy crop, but right now, it's looking pretty rough. Wilted and yellowed from the freeze. Levi assures me if we get some heat and a little moisture things will perk up a bit. A small ray of hope. The fall crops, like corn and milo, don't stand a chance. A few farmers are saying they're not even going to try and plant unless we get a rain. And by rain I mean slow and steady for days...that just doesn't happen in Western Kansas. 

To hear someone complain about too much rain, makes me want to puke. Every time someone complains how this weather is messing with their clothing choices, I want to yell obscenities. This weather will not only affect my community by creating a tightening of budgets across the board. If the farmers lose money on their crops, they don't buy as many things or go out of town to get cheaper deals from WalMart. Then the local businesses aren't as willing to sponsor community events, youth fundraisers, local charities. Nor are they able to look at expansions and updates to their businesses. As one of those local non-profits who needs community support, things are about to get rough! 

On the other hand, this is going to affect the nation's food supply. Wheat prices will go up according to the laws of supply and demand. Without abundant fall crops, it will become more expensive to feed cattle. If you don't know, feedlots, like the big one in my county, rely heavily on corn and silage from local farmers to feed the cattle. I'll begin to hear my city "friends" complain about how their food prices are going up. Yeah remember when you were so concerned about your damn clothes? When all someone sees is concrete and people, I want to suggest they come visit me. I'll show them the land and the stars and air in a way they've never experienced it and then maybe they'll understand.

I'm so proud to be part of a farming community that is responsible for feeding America and the world. But as people complain about the inconvenience to their daily routine, I want them to remember the struggles we face. Our economy will take a hit, people worry constantly about the weather patterns while knowing there's not a damn thing they can do about it. The stress and risk of farm and ranch life is high, but it's rewarding. When it's all you've known and the land is part of your soul, you keep trucking, you stay attached and you make sure you have your damn winter coat handy.

Words of Wisdom: “Farming is a profession of hope” - Brian Brett

Making the switch

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

The retirement of Google Reader is making me switch all my blogs over. Clearly I'm not techie enough so if this looks like crap I'll fix it on the computer.

I hope you're having a wonderful weekend! I'm at home visiting my family and its wonderful!