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Tuesday, May 22, 2012
I thought I posted this. It's almost 8 months overdue but I think it needs to be on the web not in draft form anymore.
One year ago today I was walking down The Hill entering Memorial Stadium in Lawrence.
Today I am sitting in my office, a former sheriff's office, in far western Kansas. Looking back I certainly didn't accomplish all I thought I would in a year but I'm trying to remind myself change takes time. I need to remember that if I'm going to continue to be happy where I am. You always grow up and learn about something new about yourself but I feel like this first year of being out in the "real world" has been quite a challenge full of lots of growing pains. They all seem like things I should have known before and maybe I did, but my situation and circumstances seemed to really bring them to the forefront. I've learned that I am not the most particular person in the world but I am very right brained. I abide by the rules and read the instructions. I love to sing and dance and dream. I knew all this before but it's become even more evident. I learned I am horrible at saying no, but have become better at it in order to not go completely nuts. I learned who my true friends are. The ones who love me and care about me no matter what and no matter how far. My friends, Abbey, Megan, and John...that make the effort to keep in touch and it's not just a one-sided relationship. Those are the people I miss most and that make me want to travel back to the city to see more often.
I realized that I let everyone start out with a clean slate and even playing field for trust. But if you break my trust or stab me in the back, I hate you. I know hating isn't right, but in the past year there have been two people that have ticked me off so badly they will never have a chance at having my trust again. Clearly I am not as forgiving as I thought, or I'm learning not to let people push me around. I also learned I have a talent and power of listening and understanding. I've learned how important it is to listen and understand both sides of every story. I will always draw my own conclusions and sometimes talk myself out of them, but atleast I know both sides. My pursuit of perfection has driven me to tears and to the edge of giving up more than once, but I have a strong man standing beside me when I feel like falling down. I would be a completely different person if it were not for Levi. There is no doubt he entered my life at the right moment. He has pointed out my strong points and my flaws, but he loves every part of me the same. He knows that I'm a worrier, a messy cook, a klutz, a right brained dancing fool and loves me just the same. While I learned so much about myself on my own, he helped challenge me and guide me over the past 10 months and that's just the man I need for the next 100 years.
A year ago, I never would've thought I'd be working on the projects I'm working on. A year ago, I didn't think I'd still feel in such turmoil about certain things either, but I guess that's life. Sometimes I wonder if I took the best path by coming back to Western Kansas and after thinking for a short moment, I know I did. While I can fit in most anywhere, when I look out over a field and watch the sun rise or set, I know I couldn't take the craziness of a city every day. I need the air and the land.
Most of all, I need Levi. I was meant to find him here, in this small rural town of all places. The things I thought would be toughest were mostly easy and the easy things are the hardest. This was, as usual, another rambling post that I don't really have time to edit.
Words of Wisdom: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost